As a sex worker and a artist, my sex work is my art and my art is my sex work. How can it be seperate? How can anyone know that everything I do in my sex work has a artistic, intentional concept, when that concept is to be a sex worker being authentically myself? Where does the work stop and the art begin? How can I be focusing on my art when I need it as work to make me money to survive in the world? Its kind of like a artist having to make work that is more commercial so they can make thier conceptual pieces. Sitting on cam, slogging away to make enough money to eat and pay rent, doesnt feel like art. But the fact that I have chosen sex work to survive is art. The way I work, the snapshot, slip shod, overly real, emotional, reactive, reality I expose is the art. But it also just who I am and have no control over. But that free sharing of my authentic self in its painful reality is why its art. Im not performing being a sex worker. I am pushing the concept of sex work and its intersection with the self and my art as one whole piece. Like Lady Gaga. She is Lady Gaga. But becoming a pop star was her perfromance art. She isnt a false persona. But her choice to share her real self in that role is the art. I could perform being a sex worker, by doing the job better. I could not see it as art and do all the things you are supposed to do, the marketing, the editing, the buisness plan, the pushing for goals and growth. But I am not performing the job of sex worker. I am performing myself as a sex worker. Using sex work as the vehicle to share the most authentic, raw and naked version of my self that I have no other space to share it in. Cause my art is and always has been about me and my sex life and sexuality. So am I even a sex worker? Is all I am doing just art that I am displaying in its original context rather than placing it in a gallery and claiming I am better and other from sex workers. I am not commenting on sex work. I am doing sex work as its is the only place I can share my art. My art is my naked body and how I use it. How I have sex. How I masturbate. The thoughts I have on feminism and sexuality arent theoretical. They are my every day reality. I am living it. Not writing about it from a distance or a position of comentary or observation. Is me saying this is art enough? I am ready to start working on more art and making more of the art I want for the sake of art rather than the need to do sex work for money. And in that process I think it may all become more clear.
Month: February 2020
I initially wrote this to post on a camgirl forum. But it got too long and I didnt know if it was the right place. I dont know if this is the right place. I dont know if I should say this at all. In this context now it makes me want to talk more about the physical lonliness Im experienceing, how that feels, how important intimate touch is and why I havent had any in so long. But I might do that seperately as that seems tiring to write now. This is yet more painful honesty from me, in a place or way I dont know is right or how it will be recieved. Its not sexy. But I need to say it. Somewhere. Outloud. To other people. In the only way I can, seeing as I have no actual people to speak to. No one to be in the same room as. Typing in to the void of the internet, even when there is a friend on the other end who will teply, is all I have. Text online is my main communication medium. So here we go.
Im too lonely to get on cam. I get this once a month ish, where it just gets too much. Travelling for so long, being entirely alone in this country, having no friends and having no men interested in me (that shouldnt be paying me), and not having had sex or any intimate touch for so long, just gets too much. I have been thinking about it a lot the past few days. In the last 4 years I have only had 2 guys persue any kind of relationship, text me first or want more from me than a second or third bang sesh, and they didnt last long. And I’ve only had a handful of sex repeaters. Some dudes would stay in text contact. But text contact is the only contact with any humans I have and it isnt enough. I also have only had like one female pursue a friendship with me in that time too. Even my AA sponsor doesn’t text or call me, or reply to my messages regularly. I have a couple of girls in different parts of the country or world who will occasionally speak to me via text. And my best friend is a Whatsapp friend Ive only seen twice in 9 years. But the only person I have spent any time with or has gotten to know me in the real world in 4 years is my Mom. Its so painful. I am so sexual and so in need of touch and love. It makes camming at times really really hard. I have just got an apartment in my favorite place ive been since travelling so im hoping to be able to be around the same people consistently, and maybe that will develop into friendships. But its a small town where everyone knows everyone so I dont know how to get my physical needs met. Also it seems to be a really couply place. Everyone is with someone. And its also touristy so lots of families and groups of friends are here having a nice time together. While I just drift around, alone, like a ghost. I’m not really sharing this for any reason except the fact that I need to speak my truth right now and dont know where else to do it. Most people can’t understand. This isnt a case of feeling alone yet surrounded by people. This is legit social isolation. Solitary confinement. No one to be in the same room with, ever. It has changed my brain over the past few years. Therapy is helping me get myself back. But the more me I become the more painful it is that I am entirely alone and no one else likes me or sees me. I cant rememeber what it feels like to have someone be excited to know me, to want to spend time with me, or see me more than once or twice and then never again. I am going to be doing all the things you are supposed to do to meet people, volunteer, go to AA, do sports etc. But I have only got to this new place this week and I haven’t started that yet and know it will be a long road till I actually find people and become close with anyone, so this feeling wont be going away any time soon. Im spiralling on the lonliness, which is what happens once a month like I said. Most of the time my little life Ive made the way I want is enough and this is just background noise I am just always aware of. But right now its full volume and I cant turn it off. I have a womens AA meeting this week where I have spent a bit of time when I have visited before. So that will provide relief. I cant go to regular AA yet tho as one of the main dudes there (in his fucking 60s(see previous post)) hit on me when we went for a hike in the middle of fucking nowhere and broke my trust and the safe space of AA and I am yet to deal with that. The social isolation isn’t through lack of trying. Its from it constantly failing. But here I am again ready to try again cause being entirely alone will literally kill you or send you compleatly insane. I wish it didnt. I wish I could cope with it. But I cant. I need people. We all do. And so many people are lonley and isolated now. It makes it all the more frustrating to not be able to connect, knowing so many other people need it too, yet we cant find each other, or we dont fit or whatever. And the longer the isolation goes on the harder it is to break. i used to know hundreds of people in the real world. I used to go out 5 nights a week. I used to be able to turn up places and always know people. People used to want to know me. I used to have articles writen about me. Celebrities wanted to hang out with me. I used to be someone. Id have people calling and messaging all times of the day and night. And then someone broke me. And nothings been the same since. I have wanted to write about the reality of my lonliness for a long time. But I know it is a super painful thing to hear and read for other people. I need to use my ability to be honest and open freely, to speak my truth about it. To not be ashamed of admitting Im lonely. Cause if so many people that are actually suffering are all pretending we are fine, we wont know we arent actually alone in feeling this way. Id pay to feel alone in a crowd at this point. To have collegues who I dont want to be friends with, to have friends I dont feel get me, to have a boyfriend that isnt quite right. To be alone yet surrounded by people. That is a least a step up from how low Ive gotten.
This IS NOT a call for random internet dudes to offer me their friendship, messaging, dick, or any thing at all. I dont want random internet men to give me any more attention than they already do. That wont solve the problem. And thier motives are painfully apparent, even if they claim otherwise. I dont need another random person to message with. There isnt a solution to this that I dont already know and wont have tried or be trying. This is just my reality. Read it and accept it.
I dont think anyone from the outside would think things have gotten this bad for me. That someone that looks like I do, has the lifestyle I do, does the things I do, would have this much lonliness and isolation. But that is why I want to share this. It could happen to anyone, it could be anyone. The conversations I get with check out people, or the Starbuck baristas are the only ones I have for days on end. This could be the case for anyone you see out and about and not know it. Not know how important those fleeting interactions are. Not know that you will be the only person that speaks to them all week. But if we can start admitting to it, to not be shamed or feel ashamed that this is our reality, maybe something could change, maybe somone might end up less lonely than if they hid it and pretended they are ok. So, I am not ok. I am lonley as FUCK. And that is my reality today.
Edited to add: Now I have said that and released it into the wild, it has helped ease some of that pain, that spiralling lonliness. It did help change how lonley I felt, by admitting to it. Even if no one even reads this. And I wont ever really know as I dont allow comments anyway. Thank god. But I just came back to say, it kinda works. Admitting I am lonley made me feel less lonley. So if this resonates with you, give it a go somehow!