As a sex worker and a artist, my sex work is my art and my art is my sex work. How can it be seperate? How can anyone know that everything I do in my sex work has a artistic, intentional concept, when that concept is to be a sex worker being authentically myself? Where does the work stop and the art begin? How can I be focusing on my art when I need it as work to make me money to survive in the world? Its kind of like a artist having to make work that is more commercial so they can make thier conceptual pieces. Sitting on cam, slogging away to make enough money to eat and pay rent, doesnt feel like art. But the fact that I have chosen sex work to survive is art. The way I work, the snapshot, slip shod, overly real, emotional, reactive, reality I expose is the art. But it also just who I am and have no control over. But that free sharing of my authentic self in its painful reality is why its art. Im not performing being a sex worker. I am pushing the concept of sex work and its intersection with the self and my art as one whole piece. Like Lady Gaga. She is Lady Gaga. But becoming a pop star was her perfromance art. She isnt a false persona. But her choice to share her real self in that role is the art. I could perform being a sex worker, by doing the job better. I could not see it as art and do all the things you are supposed to do, the marketing, the editing, the buisness plan, the pushing for goals and growth. But I am not performing the job of sex worker. I am performing myself as a sex worker. Using sex work as the vehicle to share the most authentic, raw and naked version of my self that I have no other space to share it in. Cause my art is and always has been about me and my sex life and sexuality. So am I even a sex worker? Is all I am doing just art that I am displaying in its original context rather than placing it in a gallery and claiming I am better and other from sex workers. I am not commenting on sex work. I am doing sex work as its is the only place I can share my art. My art is my naked body and how I use it. How I have sex. How I masturbate. The thoughts I have on feminism and sexuality arent theoretical. They are my every day reality. I am living it. Not writing about it from a distance or a position of comentary or observation. Is me saying this is art enough? I am ready to start working on more art and making more of the art I want for the sake of art rather than the need to do sex work for money. And in that process I think it may all become more clear.
Category: Autobiography
I am DONE with men. All men. It is time, after 30 years of putting them first and getting zero in return, to cut the fuckers out my life.
I have spent the last few years being incredibly protective and defensive of myself after years of abuse and harassment from men. Men in the street, at bars and clubs, on dating apps, in relationships, after one night stands. Over and over. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave my house without at least 5 men sexually approaching me EVERY DAY. The first year in the bus I didn’t wear shorts once. I wore hats, large clothes, baggy hoodies, to hide my femininity, so men wouldn’t see an attractive woman alone in a bus. I have spent the last 5 years avoiding all social situations where I have to interact with men where I don’t know their intentions. I have called other women stupid for putting themselves in obvious situations with men that lead them to being harrased, raped, hit on, or attacked. It had gotten to the point where I knew it was irresponsible for me or other women to be alone with any man you aren’t sexually interested in yourself. I’ve had married bosses proposition me, tour leaders on trips rape me, strangers approach me constantly. One time I’ve given an older man the benefit of the doubt during a nice chat at starbucks that seemed genuine, intelligent and platonic, and gave him my number so we could share more ideas. This man was older than my father. He went bat shit crazy. Hitting on me and then abusing me when I rejected him. A man in his 60s. This has all meant I’ve spent the last few years rejecting seemingly innocent or pleasant social interactions or developing friendships with anyone, avoiding certain social opportunities and basically being trapped inside myself. I realised I couldn’t be myself around people. When im open, confident, caring and happy, fully free to be me, men abuse me. So I started hiding myself. Becoming defensive, more angry, more shut off from the world. Just so people wouldn’t like me so much.
The past couple of months, with the help of a good therapist, I have started to get back into myself. Reconnect with who I am and how I bring myself joy. To get back to being able to be me, comfortably, happily, freely. And this has been going very well. I’ve been going to AA meetings and growing my ability to socialize. In this vein of growth and challenging myself, when one of the sweet old men in the group offered to take me on a hike, I agreed. I spent many days weighing up my decision. Was I being stupid and putting myself in a bad situation? Am I asking for trouble? What are his motives? What are my fears? Why am I so scared to do something so simple and innocent and nice with another human? How will I be able to ever connect to anyone if I don’t practice? I cried many times in the week before the hike. I was so scared. Scared to socialize in a platonic way as I am so out of practice. Scared he will annoy me and I’ll have a shit time and waste my day off. Scared of all the shit that has gone before and why I isolate. But here was a man, in AA, good friends with other members I know, old, ex adventure guide, with a passion for hiking and the local area to match mine. A safe person. Right?
Wrong! 12 miles in to the hike, and thankfully only 2 miles from the end, he proceeded to inform me of his attraction to me. Physical from the start and now even more interested in my personality and attitude. This all came out cause I asked how old he was. And he was embarresed to tell me cause he fucking fancied me. And the whole fucking thing had been driven by that motivator for him. I had an inkling. 2 miles into the hike we passed a couple of women, older than me, younger than him. He told them some history on the hike and when they asked if he was a guide he said ” No, I just get to take very attractive women out on hikes every now and then.” Cringe. But a harmless funny old man comment, right? Wrong. At lunch when I was talking about the love I have for the area and my passion to be a part of it, he said he was feeling the same thing between us as the first time he saw me and we looked at each other a certain way and asked if I remembered that. I played that off as a connection and understanding about our energy and love for the land. 7 miles off trail there isn’t much more you can do to avoid the situation when you have 5 more hours to spend together. So when he finally came out and said it and tagged on a story about his ex who was 24 years younger and couldn’t handle the age gap, I ended up blathering on about my moms ex who was 15 years older and she couldn’t handle that gap. And then onto my negative experiences with men and how it affects me and thus I how at the moment I currently choosing me and avoiding men. He wasn’t asking me out or anything direct, just expressing an attraction. At the bottom of a 800ft climb. So I couldn’t reject him or shut him down. Especially when he talked more about being alone for 8 years and how hard it is. I didn’t want to hurt or upset him. But WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? You met me at AA. You aren’t a year sober yet. You are 28 years older than me. We are alone in the wilderness. You made no indication that your motivation for spending time together was romantic or sexual. And you spring this shit on me.
I had spent the day until that point being me. Freely, happy, confident. I wasn’t overthinking what I was saying. I wasn’t worried about how I came across. I wasn’t being defensive or protective. I was, I thought, with a friend I could relax with. But the more me I became, the more he liked me. My heart sank in that moment and I spent the rest of the hike back into the uncomfortable, blathering about things, over thinking, talking to fill silence, anxious, closed, protected state I am used to. I stuffed the thoughts and feelings related to this betrayal down and didn’t let myself think or dwell on it…till I got home. I had to drive him home, where he offered dinner and a shower and then invited me to a movie or something, some way to spend more time together. I awkwardly denied the dinner stating I was too tired. But as I had a good day I said I had enjoyed the time and non comitially agreed we should do something else some time. And then I drove off alone.
That is when the disappointment set in. Yesterday was meant to be an experiment for me to socialise in a pleasant way with someone with similar interests, to help me grow, to open me up. But instead it turned in to every single other experience I’ve had with men like this. I was and am so hurt that he couldn’t just see me for mea and just want to know me as a friend. That it had to inculde my looks and sex and attration and wanting something from me. All men want something from me. Its my fucking job to give men what they want from me. But at least in that dynamic they pay me. Other men I’m interested in only want the sex and not to know me at all. And the rest of all men just want me and want things from me with zero connection to reality about whether they are someone I would be interested in and can’t comprehend just being friends with me. I was and am angry at myself for putting myself in the situation in the first place. Stupid girl. I’m ready to quit AA and leave my favorite place in the world cause I feel so uncomfortable. I am disappointed and angry and sad at myself for how I handled the situation…AGAIN. Being nice, giggly, trying not to hurt his feelings, being gentle, leaving the door open and not being assertive or myself in any way. Feeling walked over. And so so so so so so so disappointed.
I had to have my mom call me from england at 4am her time to help me deal with this and not run away or fall into depression and anxiety, isolationism and anger. I have a VERY fragile mental health condition that is in early days of recovery. A mental illness that will kill me if one more person affects me the way others have in the past. So I am getting a lot of help and support at the moment. She helped me reign in my fear and desire to leave. She talked to me about “Fierce Conversations” and coming up with a plan for me to be able to reject men in a clear and firm way that sits much better with who I am personally and professionally. And we talked about how I can plan to deal with the situation with this man who is at every fucking AA meeting i NEED to go to. She stopped me escalating into the all the other problems that come from my interactions with men and acknowledged they are things we can address in the future. Allll the while, i was feeling guilty for feeling so bad about a sweet, old, sad, lonely man. The guilt and empathy fills me with sickness and sadness that is balanced out with anger, frustration, confusion, annoyance, and so much disappointment. But by the end of the conversation, I was feeling much less like throwing my life away to escape a man…again.
However I am going to be avoiding AA for the next few days. I am going to a women’s meeting tonight where I am going to get an older female sponsor. I am going to be leaving town to park up out in the wilderness to escape all people while I recover for a few days. And more importantly than any of that, I am going to be saying No to anything with ALL men from now on.
Because of this straw, the camel’s back has been broken. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So after 30 years of trying to make it work with men, I give up. I quit. I’m out. Im done. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.
The last month or so, my new motto has been “choose me”. I had already decided to avoid sexual interactions with men as that is a whole other can of worms on how that doesn’t work out for me and damages me every time. I had hoped that meant I could develop my non sexual relationships with men, people with whom I can do the activities I value. But that clearly just isn’t going to work. Men HAVE to be off the table. No men. Work on growing my connection to women and developing my skills at meeting women. Only women.
My job, that I love with all my soul is providing a service for men who are willing to make it a mutually beneficial situation. Those men respect me and my role. The dynamic is simple. And in my work I intentionally educate and inform men of the ways I see them acting or speaking in toxic or problematic ways. I reject and inform in a kind and fun way that I cannot do in real life. Online, at work, the dynamic with men is one I value and enjoy. So this part of my life I can throw myself into and spend all that real life man energy on. Interacting with men like this is actually choosing me. I get to be fully freely, happily, confidently me in that environment, and build my business and grow my income. But that is where my interaction with men will end. At work.
In real life, I will be saying No, assertively, in all situations involving men for a while. I dont want a random chat in the grocery store, I dont want to offer support in AA, I dont want to use dating apps, I dont want to fuck, I dont want a relationship, I dont want a male friend, I dont want to do activities, I dont want you to exist in my world, at all. I dont need men. Men universally let women down. They dont show up, they take advantage, they abuse, harrass, rape, ignore, fight, push boundaries and generally are out for what they can get of me. They do not add to my life. They steal my light and leave me broken on the floor.
Men don’t bring me any light or positivity. So for now I am off men. Its over. For now, I’m choosing me.
Edit to add: As I posted this I got a call, from my mechanic……asking to fucking camp with me this weeknend. YES. ALL MEN.
I am no longer satisfied by having sex, sexuality and sex work discussed, researched and written about by men, or women with no experience doing sex work, with only limited sexual experience of their own, with bias, with limits, operating within the constraints of what currently exists, or highlighting problems that never get solved or truly addressed. I think its time for people with the relevant experience, knowledge and insight into anything to do with sex to speak up. We won’t ever get anywhere if we keep relying on inexperienced people sharing their thoughts on things of which they have only limited personal experience.
I am a woman who has taken part in all aspects of sex work for 8 years, who studied and wrote her dissertation on female sexuality in the 21st century at University of London, who has had nearly 400 partners, been in love at least 8 times, has been married, and divorced, has had 500+ professional sexual experiences, and 8 years of webcam work interacting with and giving orgams to hundreds of thousands of men will all kinds of kinks, interests, penises, sexuality and personality. If my experience was in any other field I would be able to proudly claim my expertise. If sex and sexual women weren’t still so suppressed, then people with actual experience would be the ones writing about it. I could proudly share my experience and knowledge without fear of anyone saying I’m less human, less intelligent, less worthy, because of it. I would be respected for the depth of my knowledge, time dedicated to and insight into the topic. So that is why I am going to share everything I know. Because living a sexual life is very different to looking at it from the outside and theorizing about it. I am no longer an idea or theory. I am a real woman who has lived a richly sexual life and wants to progress sexual understanding based of my extensive and valuable personal experience.
Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still.
I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today.
The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The more i try and find my place and people, the less i can imagine ever having it. The more i hear about what other people think about the world and how other people should and shouldnt be in it, the more trapped I feel and the less i feel like i can survive another day and it all but wipes out my ability to picture, plan or even imagine my future.
I stopped posting on social media and reading feeds every day approximately 3-4 months ago now. And I feel so much better. Right here, right now, in the real world, i am ok. when i had a whole other identity…and in fact i had two and up to four versions of me at any one time…living online, I had to worry about how that person was being perceived, what she was saying, who was contacting her, what for, what do you want, has she pissed someone off, was she too real, too fat, too sexy, not sexy enough, too honest, too angry, was she making money, what do all the faceless, nameless observers to her life, think of her. It is too much. Its too much for me to worry about, to care about. What did i get from putting myself out there and living online through social media? Its had a barely comment able affect on my income professionally, even though people are told its an essential marketing tool. i havent got hundreds of friends who would come to my side if i needed help. i havent stayed in touch with all the people i met travelling. i am up to date with peoples lives that have no baring on my day to day life, and neither i do have a spot in theirs. The few good connections i do have on social media, unfortunately does not balance out the emotion and time ive put into social media. Me being on social media is not a mutually beneficial arrangement and i do not benefit from massive companies making billions more profit from all of our freely uploaded content. And i have had enough.
i used to love social media. i defended it and my over use of it to the death. i proclaimed its many benefits. but when i was assessing my life and figuring out what i needed to do in order to make myself happier, i fell back on the quote “how can you expect a different outcome when you keep doing the same things”. after working online for the last 7 years and being pretty much addicted to the internet for 20 years, i realised this is what i needed to do differently. It was the only constant i was maintaining in my life, the curated social media pages, and the internets potential to make me money. I had to stop. i deleted the apps off my phone and i accepted the internet was not able to provide me with any income in the near future. I stopped posting. I stopped reading feeds, i stopped scrolling. And it worked. Without those other entities, representations of me, other lives online, the anxiety, stress, anger, frustration, pain and comparisons stopped. I still go on my pages when im on a browser, but i keep my intake of information as brief and functionary as possible. On the days i havent, i have let myself go down that rabbit hole, and all those feelings re surface. I now have personal knowledge on the detrimental effect of social media on my every day life and mental health and how much better my life is without it. At least when i fall back into the rabbit hole i can see how ridiculous the whole set up and “information” is anyway. And im not missing anything.
I think im at the same point with sex and especially dating apps. I cant find what i want, who i want to do it with or anyone who even understands my sexuality. I spend a disproportionately large amount of time looking for sex compared to how much sex it gets me. the choice overwhelms me, the messaging stresses me out and the vast majority of conversations dont go anywhere, they are people i just dont get on with and can even escalate into a very negative exchange. without dating apps, this wouldnt exist. the constant thinking about who might be near that is worth sleeping with. the thinking of what to say in your messages, the games, the bullshit, the tiptoeing around the issue. I just want good, kinky sex and Tinder and Bumble do not get me that. it is not a mutually beneficial relationship. I fundamentally disagree with the way most people see life and the human condition, so why force myself to interact with tens of people a day i dont need to. why get more and more frustrated that yet another seemingly interesting guy is just another person i dont like? why do i want to get frequently dissappointed about how bland most peoples sexual interests are? the more people i encounter people i dont like and the more people i speak to with “normal” interests, the more i feel like an outsider, isolated, frustrated and angry. For what? to find the occasional person i meet who actually has a interesting personality and sexual interests? The numbers dont add up. There are places for people with a richer, kinkier, sex life on the internet and i can use those from now on, when i want to find sex. not, like the dating apps, being constantly online, nearby, available, contactable, 24/7, the possibility that at any point i might find the unicorn ive been looking for being just swipes away. Its too much of a constant demand on my brain. And it doesnt need to be. When i looked back on my stats with dating apps the trends are very interesting in how my behavior has changed. I was having the most frequent sex with various partners when I was partying a lot, travelling australia, sober, meeting people in the real world, a lot. And most of my great memories and good sex have been with people ive met in real life who i would have swiped left on in any dating app anyway. I think i might actually keep my profiles and change my bios. Put what i specifically want and links to my work project and my blog or sky stuff. fuck it. use it. dont let it use me. people who really want to interact with me in real life can email me from there.
Now ive got all that out i can inform you i have indeed finally had sex. the most average, normal, slightly painful for me, smile and enjoy it, sex. of course he was gorgeous. he had to have had some kind of selling point for me! he was the hottest one in my tinder roll for the area, muscly, tanned, confident, sexy, very republican, ex military, southern gentleman. we got on good considering the differences. and his body and penis were a solid 10, literally, wink wink. but damn, he did not know how to use it. i did get to suck his dick for a bit and thoroughly enjoyed myself. when it comes to sex, there is a difference between when a man is doing what feels good to him and what feels good together. this sex was the former. i was so consumed with worry about how he was using this massive cock i had no concept of me enjoying it. however it was sexy and i was thoroughly complicit in letting him fuck how he wanted to. there was several occurrences of sex in the night time and the morning. and i think there was at least one vibrator assisted orgasm. there might have been more, or they might have been that, is it a orgasm or is it just pain or is it just a lot going on, but i also might have played up the amount of pleasure i got to him. he was just so cute. he got us a hotel room, so that was fun and nice. his skin was so smooth and his ass was amazing. i spent a good hour just stroking and fondling his butt while we were there. but he wouldnt let me anywhere except the cheeks as he said “im straight”. boo. he was really nice to be around. had lots of energy, had a interesting life, i was into how he was hot, worked out, had a good job, nice truck, family money, travels a lot, etc. the do it all gentleman. even though i dont want to do anything, its still very attractive and admirable. how is there time in the day to be that much everything! i guess ultimately he wasnt good at everything! this was Wednesday night, i was supposed to go to the sex club but i opted for him instead. he left for a bit of work then thanksgiving lunch on the thursday morning at like 9am. They were still serving breakfast in the hotel so i had a nice free breakfast and then went back to the room for a much needed shower. i even blow dried and curled my hair…but i still didnt wash it, 5 months strong! so i scratched the itch, but again didnt get what i was looking for.
and now after my no dating apps rant, ive got a message from someone who might actually be good! damnit.
still havent been to the sex club. still intending to go tonight.
Day 10 on the sex drought. The last guy i rejected has cursed me. The failed date I drove to pick up and then just didnt like. I had such high hopes. And such blue balls. And I havent had a release since. Well Ive cum alot. Just only by my own hand. And that isnt what i need. I need some weird, kinky, extreme, exciting sex. I now have over 200-250 emails. And a offer from the cutest boy on my Tinder. But its STILL not happening. So I guess it is me now. Am I being picky? Ive emailed with a few of them, but nothing has progressed. When it works, it just works, with all the people i meet. Craigslist isnt helping me either. It cock blocked my last two posts about the specific kinks i want to explore right now. More specifically, soomeone now keeps flagging my posts and they keep getting removed, because apparently i cant be real, must be a scam or are violating their conditions by being really horny and wanting to get laid in a interesting and specific way. The upshot is, I still havent gotten laid. There is alot of comments I could make and conclusions i can draw from the kind of emails i have recieved over the past 48 hours, but i havent learnt anything I didnt already know. I am going to start compiling my thougths on things outside of my own life, like this, into essays. Just so i do it. Keep them for myself. i have started a list of topics i already have ideas for.
Ok I have just solved my own sexual frustration problem. Im going to a sex club in San Fran tonight. Alone. Fuck it. I need to be around this stuff.
And i already have changed my mind. Thank you again google and yelp for reviews! There is such a massive gap for a space where people can openly share their sexual desires and connect and act them out. Like one of those kids play warehouses things, but for adults, and not gross. Maybe I will just go. Its only $10. If i go at like midnight there should be people there. I’ll see how I feel. And I can check it out. But then I am in San Fran. But then I am in San Fran! Find a parking spot for the holiday weekend? Good sex? More people not less though.
I had a bath in the bus last night. I boiled some water and just used the sink. I exfoliated my whole body and used soap! it was a revelation. 5 months in and i have never had a hot sponge bath in the bus! Some ideas come to me too easily, some, im a little slow!
I had a hilarious walk yesterday. I was deep in thought about my sexual freedom and all the positives of being a strong, sexual woman, how excited i was to be incorporating that into my life again, when a lean, grey haired man in his 50s, came towards me on a road bike, in full gear, at speed. As he drove past he broke my reverie by calling out “ohh look at that. what a hottie. phew” with a sharp intake of breath. After the shock, the realization of the juxtaposition of the thoughts i was having and the experience my body was having in the world at the same time hit me…and i nearly died laughing. It came out of nowhere. He seemed so professional and was definitely of comfortable means. And he sounded so old fashioned. Then a few minutes later a man in his 60s called after me that i had very “psychedelic” pants on. Drawing my attention to the fact that he was watching me and my legs from behind while i walked away. These kind of daily interactions rub up against my belief of being able to be a liberated, sexual woman. It stops me dressing how i want, saying what i want and even walking with the gait i would like. But it will not stop me wanting to be able to use my body how i choose without judgment or unwanted attention.
Argh I have stuff to do but i just need to write. i feel so good. yes. im pretty high but i have been having a lot of ideas, or thoughts this morning. i listened to a podcast about feminism and hear about Catherine Hakim and Economic Capital. She is everything I would say…..
…..I was trying to start writing about a feminist podcast that id been listening to and each time i re read it i needed to change it. i couldnt get it write. i cant get what i think in my head to make clear sense on the page. to a third person. that is what being good at writing must be. I cant communicate my ideas very well at all, but I can tell stories. Also formulating my own feminist theory isnt something I can probably bust out in half an hour in starbucks. so for now. I will only write about what i can comfortably enjoy re reading.
I felt like i had a million things to write when i came in and sat down, but trying to formulate that has left me much clearer headed. and less high. I think high time is ideas time and i need less thoughts when i write. all i did yesterday was sit in starbucks and build the website. it felt great. i was tired at the end of the day.
im supposed to be meeting someone here from tinder later, but ive already decided i dont want to. i missed that he had one of those faces that looks good in photos but not so much when its moving. its a thing. ive learnt to pick them out normally, but this conversation escalated to coffee invite before i got to fully check it out. Worst case though I talk to someone for an hour our so. I forget that most people dont expect immediate sex from a first meet! I think its cause more normal people are doing internet dating now, rather than it just being sex or marriage obsessed people, like it was 5 – 10 years ago. Im trying to remember now when my first online date was, when did I discover it. I might have to check my list. Ok. 30th June 2010. Tim. I remember him. We might even still be friends on Facebook. Plentlyoffish.com. My first tinder was 26th November 2013. Taylor. He was and is amazing. And I cant believe how many people i fucked in real life meeting!!!!! Out of my first 300, only FIFTEEN of them were off the internet! I literally cant believe it. But 30ish out of the last 45ish since my first tinder are off the internet. So the ratio of real life to internet changed dramatically! Ah the partying days. The Australia years. Ok. Work time.