SSSexual Theory

Sky Smiths Ponderings

Tag: meeting people

I’m done with being harassed in public. Take note.

By

On July 11, 2018

In Harrasment

One of the most affirming situations I’ve been in recently has been my mom seeing and confirming how intense the amount of men and the situations they hit on me in are.

One stand out interaction was in Lowes. I was wearing old dirty, torn clothes. My hair was up and greasy and I had no make up on. I had a notebook and was working out what sizes of wood I needed to build my kitchen. When a man heard me speak. He lingered around us for a while with his friend till he started up a conversation about my accent. The “in” for all men here. He asked about my project. And then offered me the use of his work space in exchange for a date with me. My mom played offended and asked if she was invited. He said yes, if it meant he could have a date with her daughter. She was shocked at his thirst. He was older than me and definitely not my type. And I was not out looking for dates in Lowes. I said no but thanks for the offer. There was an attempt to convince me, like a woman doesn’t know her own mind. And eventually we carried on with our trip around Lowes.

This was one of MANY MANY interactions over the 4 months that left my mom feeling ignored and overlooked and me feeling as harassed and unable to go out in public quietly and safely as ever. I had told her before about what it’s like here for me. Especially when I was living in Vegas. If i stepped out the house I had to accept that at least 5 men would hit on me, cat call me or ask for my number after a short interaction, every time. I understand that happening in Vegas. But I wasn’t prepared for it happening everywhere. And I definitely wasn’t prepared for it happening in front of my mother. At first she was a bit jealous. But over time she began to understand my situation and now fully sees the reality of being me out in the world. She said she has NEVER in her life dealt with anything like what I do on a daily basis. She didn’t know it was like that. And now she does, she fully supports me when I need to talk about the problems I face just from men wanting me.

I can have a wonderful conversation with a stranger about mental health and the wilderness and it gets ended with, “I’d really like to see you again, you’re a beautiful woman, you’re so sexy, I like you”. I can’t go out and do anything without having to interact. I might want to go to the coffee shop, or hot springs, or on a hike, or go to the store, just to do the thing I want to do. But I can’t. I am always open to approach. And I never know when it coming. No situation is too inappropriate, no lack of make up, messy clothes, or even my fucking mother present, will stop strangers from approaching me and telling me they want me. I can’t even start about this happening online. That’s a whole other bag of shit for another day. But to have someone else see my reality has helped me a lot.

I still have no idea what it’s like to be another woman around my age and looks in this country as I don’t have enough (barely any) female friends here. I see well put together or hot women and wonder if they deal with this shit day in, day out too. There has got to be other women suffering and others even worse than me. But I haven’t started polling strangers…yet. I know as I’m alone a lot I get more stranger interaction and attention than if I was with a group or a friend. But being alone isn’t a automatic invitation for company. I do LOVE talking to strangers in public. But I do not like having to reject people all day. I will happily talk to any man who is pleasant and polite. We might talk for hours, about personal things. But this is NOT an automatic transfer into going on a date, sleeping with him or even just meeting up again. Random moments with strangers can be amazing. And I hate them getting tarnished every time by a man taking it the wrong way or even just interacting in the first place because they are sexually attracted to me. I can’t date or fuck every single person who talks to me or sees me across the street on a daily basis. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to take on and negotiate the desires of every person who wants me. Why can’t they just keep it to themselves? Take the good moment and move on. See me in the street and not say something. Drive past and think “phwarrr”, but don’t lean out the window and tell me. No man is gonna be the exception to the rule. No man is not going to disappoint me when they turn a nice connection and conversation into something sexual or wanting. Even if they are a 10. Being alive and in public isn’t a automatic sign that I’m here to be hit on or that being single means I’m available.

15 years ago I made a piece of art about owning the compliments that construction workers threw out from 4 floors up on some scaffolding, or out of a white van or on the building site at my university. I would write what they said and pin the paper to my studio wall. I didn’t understand the girls who were offended. I thought it was more empowering to own what they said than be offended by it. 15 years later, it’s gotten VERY old.

I’m not gonna start lying about my marital status or who I am when I talk to people. But after another affirming conversation with my mom I have decided it’s time to stop being polite and start saying NO. And that is a whole other bag of shit, how men react to a no. They try to negotiate with you, get offended or turn on you. So a polite exchange of numbers is a easier exchange and end than having a stranger haggle with you and coercing you over access to your time and body. But if I don’t start telling them I’m just not interested and the conversation was enough, they will never learn. Cause obviously no one has told them it doesn’t work.

I don’t have an answer to all of this right now. But I’m sick of holding it inside in case people think I’m too full of myself for saying I get hit on too much. Well to those people…spend a few months with me, and you will see, it’s not me thinking I’m ace that has got me to this point. It’s the relentless day in, day out evidence, 20 years of being sexually approachable, and being a open, friendly, different person that has brought me to a point of maddening frustration of this situation that has now been confirmed by a third party and affirmed my need to speak out.

Black Friday

By

On November 24, 2017

In Autobiography, Life Theory, Sex Story

Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still.

I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today.

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The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The more i try and find my place and people, the less i can imagine ever having it. The more i hear about what other people think about the world and how other people should and shouldnt be in it, the more trapped I feel and the less i feel like i can survive another day and it all but wipes out my ability to picture, plan or even imagine my future.

I stopped posting on social media and reading feeds every day approximately 3-4 months ago now. And I feel so much better. Right here, right now, in the real world, i am ok. when i had a whole other identity…and in fact i had two and up to four versions of me at any one time…living online, I had to worry about how that person was being perceived, what she was saying, who was contacting her, what for, what do you want, has she pissed someone off, was she too real, too fat, too sexy, not sexy enough, too honest, too angry, was she making money, what do all the faceless, nameless observers to her life, think of her. It is too much. Its too much for me to worry about, to care about. What did i get from putting myself out there and living online through social media? Its had a barely comment able affect on my income professionally, even though people are told its an essential marketing tool. i havent got hundreds of friends who would come to my side if i needed help. i havent stayed in touch with all the people i met travelling. i am up to date with peoples lives that have no baring on my day to day life, and neither i do have a spot in theirs. The few good connections i do have on social media, unfortunately does not balance out the emotion and time ive put into social media. Me being on social media is not a mutually beneficial arrangement and i do not benefit from massive companies making billions more profit from all of our freely uploaded content. And i have had enough.

i used to love social media. i defended it and my over use of it to the death. i proclaimed its many benefits. but when i was assessing my life and figuring out what i needed to do in order to make myself happier, i fell back on the quote “how can you expect a different outcome when you keep doing the same things”. after working online for the last 7 years and being pretty much addicted to the internet for 20 years, i realised this is what i needed to do differently. It was the only constant i was maintaining in my life, the curated social media pages, and the internets potential to make me money. I had to stop. i deleted the apps off my phone and i accepted the internet was not able to provide me with any income in the near future. I stopped posting. I stopped reading feeds, i stopped scrolling. And it worked. Without those other entities, representations of me, other lives online, the anxiety, stress, anger, frustration, pain and comparisons stopped. I still go on my pages when im on a browser, but i keep my intake of information as brief and functionary as possible. On the days i havent, i have let myself go down that rabbit hole, and all those feelings re surface. I now have personal knowledge on the detrimental effect of social media on my every day life and mental health and how much better my life is without it. At least when i fall back into the rabbit hole i can see how ridiculous the whole set up and “information” is anyway. And im not missing anything.
I think im at the same point with sex and especially dating apps. I cant find what i want, who i want to do it with or anyone who even understands my sexuality. I spend a disproportionately large amount of time looking for sex compared to how much sex it gets me. the choice overwhelms me, the messaging stresses me out and the vast majority of conversations dont go anywhere, they are people i just dont get on with and can even escalate into a very negative exchange. without dating apps, this wouldnt exist. the constant thinking about who might be near that is worth sleeping with. the thinking of what to say in your messages, the games, the bullshit, the tiptoeing around the issue. I just want good, kinky sex and Tinder and Bumble do not get me that. it is not a mutually beneficial relationship. I fundamentally disagree with the way most people see life and the human condition, so why force myself to interact with tens of people a day i dont need to. why get more and more frustrated that yet another seemingly interesting guy is just another person i dont like? why do i want to get frequently dissappointed about how bland most peoples sexual interests are? the more people i encounter people i dont like and the more people i speak to with “normal” interests, the more i feel like an outsider, isolated, frustrated and angry. For what? to find the occasional person i meet who actually has a interesting personality and sexual interests? The numbers dont add up. There are places for people with a richer, kinkier, sex life on the internet and i can use those from now on, when i want to find sex. not, like the dating apps, being constantly online, nearby, available, contactable, 24/7, the possibility that at any point i might find the unicorn ive been looking for being just swipes away. Its too much of a constant demand on my brain. And it doesnt need to be. When i looked back on my stats with dating apps the trends are very interesting in how my behavior has changed. I was having the most frequent sex with various partners when I was partying a lot, travelling australia, sober, meeting people in the real world, a lot. And most of my great memories and good sex have been with people ive met in real life who i would have swiped left on in any dating app anyway. I think i might actually keep my profiles and change my bios. Put what i specifically want and links to my work project and my blog or sky stuff. fuck it. use it. dont let it use me. people who really want to interact with me in real life can email me from there.

Now ive got all that out i can inform you i have indeed finally had sex. the most average, normal, slightly painful for me, smile and enjoy it, sex. of course he was gorgeous. he had to have had some kind of selling point for me! he was the hottest one in my tinder roll for the area, muscly, tanned, confident, sexy, very republican, ex military, southern gentleman. we got on good considering the differences. and his body and penis were a solid 10, literally, wink wink. but damn, he did not know how to use it. i did get to suck his dick for a bit and thoroughly enjoyed myself. when it comes to sex, there is a difference between when a man is doing what feels good to him and what feels good together. this sex was the former. i was so consumed with worry about how he was using this massive cock i had no concept of me enjoying it. however it was sexy and i was thoroughly complicit in letting him fuck how he wanted to. there was several occurrences of sex in the night time and the morning. and i think there was at least one vibrator assisted orgasm. there might have been more, or they might have been that, is it a orgasm or is it just pain or is it just a lot going on, but i also might have played up the amount of pleasure i got to him. he was just so cute. he got us a hotel room, so that was fun and nice. his skin was so smooth and his ass was amazing. i spent a good hour just stroking and fondling his butt while we were there. but he wouldnt let me anywhere except the cheeks as he said “im straight”. boo. he was really nice to be around. had lots of energy, had a interesting life, i was into how he was hot, worked out, had a good job, nice truck, family money, travels a lot, etc. the do it all gentleman. even though i dont want to do anything, its still very attractive and admirable. how is there time in the day to be that much everything! i guess ultimately he wasnt good at everything! this was Wednesday night, i was supposed to go to the sex club but i opted for him instead. he left for a bit of work then thanksgiving lunch on the thursday morning at like 9am. They were still serving breakfast in the hotel so i had a nice free breakfast and then went back to the room for a much needed shower. i even blow dried and curled my hair…but i still didnt wash it, 5 months strong! so i scratched the itch, but again didnt get what i was looking for.

and now after my no dating apps rant, ive got a message from someone who might actually be good! damnit.
still havent been to the sex club. still intending to go tonight.

Another Day, Another Collection of Thoughts.

By

On November 22, 2017

In Autobiography, Finding Sex, Harrasment

Day 10 on the sex drought. The last guy i rejected has cursed me. The failed date I drove to pick up and then just didnt like. I had such high hopes. And such blue balls. And I havent had a release since. Well Ive cum alot. Just only by my own hand. And that isnt what i need. I need some weird, kinky, extreme, exciting sex. I now have over 200-250 emails. And a offer from the cutest boy on my Tinder. But its STILL not happening. So I guess it is me now. Am I being picky? Ive emailed with a few of them, but nothing has progressed. When it works, it just works, with all the people i meet. Craigslist isnt helping me either. It cock blocked my last two posts about the specific kinks i want to explore right now. More specifically, soomeone now keeps flagging my posts and they keep getting removed, because apparently i cant be real, must be a scam or are violating their conditions by being really horny and wanting to get laid in a interesting and specific way. The upshot is, I still havent gotten laid. There is alot of comments I could make and conclusions i can draw from the kind of emails i have recieved over the past 48 hours, but i havent learnt anything I didnt already know. I am going to start compiling my thougths on things outside of my own life, like this, into essays. Just so i do it. Keep them for myself. i have started a list of topics i already have ideas for.

Ok I have just solved my own sexual frustration problem. Im going to a sex club in San Fran tonight. Alone. Fuck it. I need to be around this stuff.

And i already have changed my mind. Thank you again google and yelp for reviews! There is such a massive gap for a space where people can openly share their sexual desires and connect and act them out. Like one of those kids play warehouses things, but for adults, and not gross. Maybe I will just go. Its only $10. If i go at like midnight there should be people there. I’ll see how I feel. And I can check it out. But then I am in San Fran. But then I am in San Fran! Find a parking spot for the holiday weekend? Good sex? More people not less though.

I had a bath in the bus last night. I boiled some water and just used the sink. I exfoliated my whole body and used soap! it was a revelation. 5 months in and i have never had a hot sponge bath in the bus! Some ideas come to me too easily, some, im a little slow!

I had a hilarious walk yesterday. I was deep in thought about my sexual freedom and all the positives of being a strong, sexual woman, how excited i was to be incorporating that into my life again, when a lean, grey haired man in his 50s, came towards me on a road bike, in full gear, at speed. As he drove past he broke my reverie by calling out “ohh look at that. what a hottie. phew” with a sharp intake of breath. After the shock, the realization of the juxtaposition of the thoughts i was having and the experience my body was having in the world at the same time hit me…and i nearly died laughing. It came out of nowhere. He seemed so professional and was definitely of comfortable means. And he sounded so old fashioned. Then a few minutes later a man in his 60s called after me that i had very “psychedelic” pants on. Drawing my attention to the fact that he was watching me and my legs from behind while i walked away. These kind of daily interactions rub up against my belief of being able to be a liberated, sexual woman. It stops me dressing how i want, saying what i want and even walking with the gait i would like. But it will not stop me wanting to be able to use my body how i choose without judgment or unwanted attention.

Craigslist Personals: Desperate Times.

By

On November 21, 2017

In Finding Sex, Kink

i often stop writing half way through what i was saying. I get bored of the story so I dont push it. yesterday my obsession with sex took over. i spent the whole day looking up people online, messaging a couple of people on t/b (gonna have to abbreviate that shit or come up with a universal name for them that isnt “dating apps” maybe DAs). I even ventured on to craigslists casual encounters section. I expected it to be filled with adverts for massage and escorts, but instead there were mostly just posts from people looking for certain sexual experiences, right now. the more i read, the more i was thinking it might work for me if i posted what i wanted. my frustration was building so much that by about 5pm i posted my first ad on craigslist. 19 hours later i have nearly 150 replies and I’m slightly overwhelmed, still incredibly frustrated and I still havent gotten any sex.

Very laid back and experienced Brit looking for experienced, kinky men – w4mm
Dominant, experienced, very open, non judgmental woman looking for a man/men/bi men to help me shake off some pent up sexual energy.
I’m currently particularly interested in:
MMF; Bi MMF; Cuckold; Alpha in the street, sub in the sheets!; Rimming; Pegging; Cum eaters; Taboo roleplays; Gangbangs; DP.
I am looking to play this week. If you’ve read this far and think you, or you and all your friends, might be up to the task, please email with the subject “I want” and include in your message what you want to get up to, your experience, a dick pic and a face pic.
I will need you to be able to host.

I think the problem is figuring out who i get turned on by, from just pictures. Someone needs to have a very attractive face for me to want to meet them off the internet. I think I need a new way to asses my interest. Because there are over 100 men in the area who want to have interesting and kinky sex with me and I cant figure out who I’m even attracted to. I also want to re frame how i weigh up sex, attractiveness, kinks and what turns me on. If i expand my potential pool of mates by lowering attractiveness down from number one in my priorities, I may actually get more satisfying sex. What if i want a slave. Some one to cook for me, bathe me, massage me and please me how i want and be my toy to use and treat how i want for the evening. His looks no longer need be a priority. His willingness to serve and his skills and tool he has for serving me becomes the priority.

From the responses to my ad, I can tell the majority of the men are identifying as dominant and will be conceding to let a woman take control so they can experience something exciting with someone they want to fuck any way. I think it is time for me to experience a truly submissive man.

Ok now with that re-framed in my mind there are too many men I can meet. I think I should do 5 minute speed date calls to see if we click. Saves messages. And if we do we can meet right away.

Yes. This is me currently planning how to be able to get more sex. Weirder sex. I want an exchange of sexual kinks and games and events to be another strand of society and culture to be fully and openly explored, talked about and shared. But like all my ideas of how the world should be, it is a conceptual fantasy not a plausible reality or an alternative solution.

Im in the launderette right now. Wanna get taken to the bathroom and fucked on the sink. I dont know why i am overflowing with sexuality right now. this week. this month. but i love it. i am at my happiest when my sexuality is in full bloom. when i want all the men and all the penis. it is my energy resource! gonna get my laundry out and think about penis more. i better have more to write about later!

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