As a sex worker and a artist, my sex work is my art and my art is my sex work. How can it be seperate? How can anyone know that everything I do in my sex work has a artistic, intentional concept, when that concept is to be a sex worker being authentically myself? Where does the work stop and the art begin? How can I be focusing on my art when I need it as work to make me money to survive in the world? Its kind of like a artist having to make work that is more commercial so they can make thier conceptual pieces. Sitting on cam, slogging away to make enough money to eat and pay rent, doesnt feel like art. But the fact that I have chosen sex work to survive is art. The way I work, the snapshot, slip shod, overly real, emotional, reactive, reality I expose is the art. But it also just who I am and have no control over. But that free sharing of my authentic self in its painful reality is why its art. Im not performing being a sex worker. I am pushing the concept of sex work and its intersection with the self and my art as one whole piece. Like Lady Gaga. She is Lady Gaga. But becoming a pop star was her perfromance art. She isnt a false persona. But her choice to share her real self in that role is the art. I could perform being a sex worker, by doing the job better. I could not see it as art and do all the things you are supposed to do, the marketing, the editing, the buisness plan, the pushing for goals and growth. But I am not performing the job of sex worker. I am performing myself as a sex worker. Using sex work as the vehicle to share the most authentic, raw and naked version of my self that I have no other space to share it in. Cause my art is and always has been about me and my sex life and sexuality. So am I even a sex worker? Is all I am doing just art that I am displaying in its original context rather than placing it in a gallery and claiming I am better and other from sex workers. I am not commenting on sex work. I am doing sex work as its is the only place I can share my art. My art is my naked body and how I use it. How I have sex. How I masturbate. The thoughts I have on feminism and sexuality arent theoretical. They are my every day reality. I am living it. Not writing about it from a distance or a position of comentary or observation. Is me saying this is art enough? I am ready to start working on more art and making more of the art I want for the sake of art rather than the need to do sex work for money. And in that process I think it may all become more clear.
Tag: Self
We know nothing of the possibilities of sex. I have had sex with hundreds, maybe even around a thousand men. I have done almost all the “interesting” and “kinky” things I am interested in…and some I was not. And I have never once had sex in a truly interesting way. When it comes down to it sex is a penis sliding in and out of a vagina and the main goal of sex is for a man to have an orgasm in that vagina. And this is achieved by the man using the vagina as a surrogate hand. The hand they use to wank themselves to orgasm in whatever way they enjoy it. Once all the bells and whistles of what is considered “foreplay”, “kinks” and “games” are over, you are still left with a man, pumping away at a vagina until they can cum. There is only one pace this can happen at…the pace the man needs, to cum when he wants. Despite the fact I have slept with tens or hundreds of times more people than the man, I personally am still left underneath him as he figures out the best way for him to cum while seemingly trying to provide pleasure from the chance that what he is doing feels good to my vagina. Even when I’m on top, physically, mentally or kink wise. I am never in control of the depth, pace or position. I am maneuvered, manipulated, contorted, held down, lifted up, my back forced into a deeper arch, legs pinned behind my head, face buried in a pillow, ass held up as im pumped at from below. And half the time the screams and moans with which i very loudly react, are not that of pleasure, but from that place where pleasure meets pain, like the grunting, huffing and puffing to lift that weight that is just a bit too heavy, the screams of a tennis player as they whack the ball with full force, the loud sounds elicited from me from frantic, hard, pounding is that of effort, pain and survival. And these sounds are sounds of success to a man. They want us on that pleasure/pain boundary, because that shows them how masculine they are. Sex shouldn’t be and does not need to be about a man wanking with a womans vagina. But what most forms of penis-in-vagina-time are, are just that. The penis stands at the entrance to the cave of the vagina. Only the woman knows what those dark, wet, closed walls hold, what shape the caverns are, how much space there is for maneuvering, how deep the cave goes, how soft and sensitive its walls are, how much wetness is needed to squeeze inside. Only the woman knows what kind of friction feels good, what internal and external stimulation is needed to make the cave sing. As man cannot describe in words exactly how he uses his hand to create orgasm, neither can woman just tell a man what she needs. Sex for a woman is a place of chance, luck, and submission. The miner at the entrance of the cave knows nothing of its secrets, yet blindly enters with all the tools, preparation and intention he has gained from invading other caves, but mostly from his knowledge of his own cave…his hand. The entrance isn’t wide enough to get in, unlike his hand, so he blasts the entrance with dynamite to gain entry. No time is spent feeling out the entrance, testing the waters. The miner doesn’t want to seem inexperienced or unskilled, so before any preliminary exploration is done, the miner is blasting his way in with the traditional dynamite method of poking into the entrance and smothering the externals of the entrance in order to lubricate the passages so he can just burst through when he is ready. The focus in the preliminary contact, isn’t that of exploration, it’s about bringing the woman instant pleasure, make her squirm, give her an orgasm before you penetrate her, cause chances are your rhythms wont make her cum with your cock, so the man can feel satisfaction at his ability to bring this woman what he considers the utmost pleasure, before it’s his turn to get his how he wants. These first moves are obligatory for a man who wants to seem enlightened, giving, a generous lover. But all they are doing is securing their conquering of, and entrance into, the cave. The fact that these pre sex games are focused around the most obvious “erogenous zones” and it is a man using our parts in the best way HE sees fit to give us the pleasure he wants to give, is evidence of this and where my frustration begins.
Because sex is such a taboo, and not something we are encouraged to indulge in, it is rushed, frantic, desperate, urgent. We have to get this over and done with. It’s embarrassing, awkward, too revealing. We are there to have the orgasms, the quicker the better. But we no longer live in a time where people need to feel ashamed whilst having sex. We are freer now to be open about enjoying it. Yet still, it’s a quick flash of genitalia using each other for orgasm. If the goal of two people making love is to have a quick orgasm then we would have given up on sex a long time ago and we would now just use our own hands. Sex is more than that. It is more than orgasm, it is more than the genitals, more than all the erogenous zones. It is the one activity from which we can all gain the most pleasure and relaxation.Yet we dedicate more time to watching strangers kick or throw balls back and forth to each other on a screen, for entertainment, excitement and relaxation, than we dedicate to sex. We spend hours on dates, watching movies, talking, eating, walking together so we can get to the place of pure pleasure and joy, and then we want to get it over and done with as soon as possible. Why? Because when man is aroused, he has learnt that means he has to cum, and as soon as possible, with a woman facilitating his acting out of what he considers pleasure.
I am not here to write off passionate, frantic, desperately wanting sex. But to highlight the need for a balance. Currently that balance is laying back and letting a man use your genitals to give you more than one orgasm, to hold off with his while he pumps his piston in and out and in and out, over and over and over again for an ever-increasing duration of invasion, like his stamina to force your vagina to endure its mining for an even longer amount of time than is already comfortable is a good thing. We add in the window dressing of kinks and fetishes, or men they say they love giving pleasure, that seem to give the woman something more. We say that, because he poked and licked at our vaginas and butt holes, played with our breasts, stroked our skin and made our body shake, he is a good lover. After 20 years of being had sex with, 25 years of masturbating, 8 years of professional masturbating and 3 years of professional pleasure-giving, I am still subjected to the skill, interests, desires and whims of any man who gets to be with me naked. I just have to lie back and wait to see what abilities the man has, how long he lets me enjoy his body for before he takes over again, if he can figure out my vagina, if he picks up on my hints, noises, movements and if he decides to follow my direction or not. Even when I lead the sex, the pace and do what I want, only once in my lifetime has the man ever not interfered, taken over, forced his input, “topped from the bottom” and still pumped away at me to reach is orgasm. Because no matter how much we speak up about what we want, you cannot guarantee this will even be heard. I have had to stop sex, even recently, with several people, because after telling men what hurts, what doesn’t feel right, what i want more of, what i need, they still ignore me. It hurts their ego to be critiqued and any indication that you don’t enjoy what they want to do to you, is seen as a critique. I had to stop having sex for a month after an incident where I was telling a man how much pain i was in and he continued to do what I asked him not to, so I stopped and asked for him to stop doing it like that again, so he started back up gentle at first, and within a minute was doing the same thing that hurt again, the third time i shouted for him to stop, and a third time he hurt me again. That is when I had to use my arms and back to push up and topple him off my body so i could be free from his rape. He instantly apologised by saying he couldn’t help himself….he….couldn’t..help…it. He was so turned on by me he had to keep hurting me cause it made his dick feel good. He raped me because it felt good. I still feel sick thinking about it. This is the miner. This is the penis. This is all men. It doesn’t matter what the nature of the cave is, the miner can’t help but blast and bore and hurt and destroy in its effort to conquer the cave and make it his space to use as he wishes, even when he has good intentions. This is just the given nature of how we have to have sex.
Despite my deep experience, knowledge and skills, I still cannot control the sexual act. A man will always be stronger and able to manipulate my body. And after all he is the one in control of the invading object, so how it is used should be entirely up to him…or should it? Why should it? Why should the man be in control when he is the one wielding a tool that can, and does, hurt a woman. Why are they allowed to put the full force of the male body behind it? Men are stronger than women, heavier, yet we let all that extra force drive the penis. How can women expect their bodies and vaginas to be treated in the way we need when we have pressure and force upon us that is masculine. I am a strong, physically capable woman, but my skin and my vagina are incredibly sensitive. Even a man’s hands on and in my vagina are 99.99% of the time harder, harsher, rougher, exert more pressure, speed and force, than anything I am comfortable with. Men have not learned how sensitive the female body really can be. I try to explain. I tell them my vagina is an orchid, a small delicate flower, too much pressure, too much speed, and it is destroyed. But it doesn’t compute.
If we had more time for sex and a greater understanding of the female body and sexuality, “foreplay”, for want of a better word, would not start with the erogenous zones, with kissing, with genitalia. It would start with breathing. It would start with a space that both parties feel comfortable and relaxed in. It would be in a space that is lit beautifully, that smells good, the right music playing. And two people learning the pace and depth of one’s breath. It would progress to placing hands on one another, letting your energies flow together and combine. When you are both at peace and connected, comfortable with your hands, static, you can start to caress. Stroke his face, run your fingers down her neck and across her shoulders. Intuitively and calmly run your hands over each others skin, feeling the calming effects of stroking, being stroked and skin on skin contact. Be sat face to face. You are not yet ready to be entwined. Learn the curves and lines of your partners body, tickle, stroke, hold. Maybe you progress to lying next to each other, feeling bigger parts of you and your skin touching, deepening the caress. Kiss. Kiss without desperation or urgency. Kiss sensually, deeply, mindfully, pay attention to what your partner is willing from you with their lips and tongue. Open your mouths. Breathe. Let your energies connect and flow between you from within.
There is no need for me to write a step by step guide to this, this is not a static set of rules of how to have a deeper sexual experience, but I want to give an example of a way to have a different, deeper, fuller and more satisfying experience of sex. It the best vision of an ideal interaction that I can think up right now. This kind of Sex should change and develop with you, just like the traditional male dominated sex we are currently having, you keep the same underlying concepts but different every time and with each different person. This can be just as dynamic and varied. What I am describing is a feeling, a vibe, an understanding of something different.
Through caressing, stroking, touch and kiss, learn your partner’s needs in that moment, understand what feels good, communicate, demonstrate, share what touches, what intensity or force, what strokes and tickles feel good, what you want today, what parts are feeling sensitive, what is sore, what needs a massage, what needs to be avoided, what type of touch feels best. This doesn’t have to happen with revery, it can be fun, playful, light-hearted, open, silly even, as long as you have connected and are able to share those feelings and atmosphere. Even if you are laying in bed with a stranger, a one night stand, this isn’t about “connecting” born from duration of contact, being emotionally intimate, having to know or love someone, a caress and stroke doesn’t mean you want to be in a relationship. Sex is purely physical, even the mental part of sex isn’t conscious and logical, it is a feeling. You don’t have to know someone’s life or mind to be able to connect physically and deeply. You can be incredibly open with even a stranger, when you both understand that this connection is the same and maybe even better and deeper than if you just met and fucked frantically, disconnected, hard and harshly. This isn’t just a way to make love for couples. This is a valid alternative to male driven sex. Patriarchal sex. It is letting your body and soul truly experience the joy of sex. Not the joy in your lover or partner. It’s not about caressing someone because you love them. It is just a way to physically get the most out of your bodies and out of sex, to elevate it from the basic shit it is currently. To let our bodies feel things we don’t let it. You can open your body and mind to sex as a deeper experience, enjoy sensuality, draw the pleasure out, invest in positive pleasure and feel a richer satisfaction. Matriarchal Sex. And we haven’t even got to the genitalia.
When enough time has been given to the skin, the breath, the body as a whole, the lips then hands can start wandering to the erogenous zones. And here is where you breathe again. You aren’t about to start digging for gold. You aren’t trying to get wet or hard. you are saying hello. Introduce yourself to your partner’s parts. See how sensitive the nipples are, what do they like today, because even when you a having sex with the same partner over and over, no two days are the same. every time you come together to have sex you are different people, different moods, stresses, needs, pleasures. Every time you come to your partners erogenous zones they are new. Learn what they need today. Is their neck more sensitive today, do the nipples need a bit harder of a tug to get the blood flowing, are the backs of your knees just too uncomfortable to touch today. When your partner is exploring you and touching you, RELAX. Let it happen. Give them the joy of exploring your body. Let them freely roam across your plains. Of course communicate. But don’t interfere, dont direct. Indulge them. When you are both aware of this kind of sex and are both fully committed to a new and different experience, you can trust that they won’t suddenly be taking things steps ahead and forcing intercourse because they became too excited. That it won’t devolve into all the same sex you have had infinitely before, that the peace and enjoyment won’t be disrupted. Relax and enjoy that in the moment, this pleasure, this meditation, will not end.
When it is time to say hello to the genitals, do just the same. Say hello. Figure out the sensitivities, the shapes, the moistness, the hardness, communicate the touch. Stroke, caress, comprehend your partners parts. Learn to understand them today. Is the clitoris extra sensitive today, does she like the hood pulled back or covering it, how do the different external parts react to touch, where likes the most stimulation, what elicits the most sexual response. Use fingers, tongues, hands, arms, legs, the face, any part of you to interact with her vagina to understand it and let it experience a variety of sensations. Grip the penis with different intensities and in different places. Explore the head and find out how sensitive it really is, caress and stroke the balls, the ass cheeks, use all parts of your body to feel the penis. Put things in your mouth, use your tongue, your breath, your face, to explore the beautiful, soft pillar. It may not even be hard. The state of the penis and vagine is nothing to feel good or bad about. You are not a better lover or a better man or woman, for getting extra hard, wet, maintaining an erection, being ready early on in the process. These things are all irrelevant. It is the most basic breakdown of sex. These things only matter if we are only animals who mate to procreate. This is a union of body and mind to create the greatest pleasure a human can feel. Learn the size and shape and texture of the insides of the woman, don’t be poking and rubbing, searching for an orgasm or pleasure, you are still just saying hello, learning and understanding the space the woman is giving permission to enter. Fingers don’t need to be flying in and out of the tunnel. There is no haste, no need for friction, just exploration, slow, deliberate, learning.
Now as you have learnt the body you are getting to enjoy today, you can start focusing more on pleasure and arousal, for it to become more passionate, deeper. Your bodies entwine, the penis and vagina can touch in the embrace, your kisses become more erotic. The exploratory touches can develop with knowledge and understanding into pleasure-giving movements. Now this might just be me, but with the correct touch, the woman does not need speed, force or excessive friction to feel pleasure. And I also believe the same is true for man. However the enjoyment of the more sensual feelings, has been put aside, as i said earlier, due to the hurried, ashamed, frantic, male orgasm centric type of sex we all know and engage in currently. If my vagine was to be caressed, the clitoris stroked, finger and tongue, slowly and leisurely putting small amounts of pressure on the inside walls of my cave I would be able to relax into a true, deep orgasm. The “finger banging” we have all come to know and love (sarcasm) only gives pleasure due to chance, if it gives any kind of pleasure at all. Even when someone is “good” at it, it is from previously gained experience, not from knowledge of your specific body. With the intensity, ferocity, speed and focus of the traditional touch, sometimes an orgasm can be forced to arrive. It’s like using a vibrator on a super high setting. It literally forces you to have a quick shallow orgasm. I don’t need to have a quick forced orgasms. Sometimes these types of orgasms arise as a way to relieve the pain and pressure being inflicted on the vagina in the name of pleasure. i want to enjoy the touches that make my vagina and the rest of my body feel the best, even if that means riding the crest of the wave of an orgasm that won’t get to crash and explode for a long time. In Fact that is the very reason I am advocating for an alternative, the orgasm isn’t the goal. The pleasure you receive that brings you to orgasm is what needs to be developed. It’s important to note here that just because the touch has become erotic, it does not need to just be focused now only on the genitalia. Keep bringing the rest of the body back into it. Take what you learnt from touching and caressing the entire body earlier, to draw the sensations and pleasure in the genitals, out to the rest of the body, and vice versa, draw the pleasure from the body, back down into the genitals so your partner is surrounded by sensation.
Now I have to admit, when it does come to the union of the penis and vagina I can barely comprehend how I belive it can look. It is so hard for even me to break through the conditioning of how these two organs interact and the responsibilities and roles of the bodies attached to it. It may seem like I am giving time and focus to “foreplay”, but I fully believe the most important part of the union is still between the penis and vagina and that this is where the most pleasure is to be gained. But what I do not believe is that after all this connection and foreplay has occurred we are now able to pump away at each other and finally have the “freedom” to just fuck like we are used to. This is the route traditional Sex takes. But this is where the new experience gets even deeper and richer. if the penis-in-vagina part is the best part then that is what we want to savour. The only reason we currently do not savour this, is that as the man directs the pace and intensity of the sex, it is entirely up to him to control himself to not cum. Through traditional sex, he is stimulating his penis like he does with his hand. He is pumping in a way that will induce orgasm and the only way to extend sex is to hold onto that orgasm for as long as he can. So now here is a revolutionary idea (sarcasm), how about letting the woman control these things. If the man’s orgasm was not the goal then their dick doesn’t need the constant stimulation it does for a wank. We do not want you wanking in our vaginas. Do you really want to be just using a vagina as a surrogate hand? Is the only way you know how to make your dick feel good, through fast, relentless friction? If so, as is with most men, then i feel sorry for you. this is very sad, limiting, and soul-destroying.
I cum the easiest when a penis is just inside me. The only way I get this is through virtually begging to be fucked slowly. This never, ever, lasts long enough. When I am alone and using toys and vibrators I like the dildo inside me to remain still, just filling me up, I don’t pump my pussy, I just enjoy the fullness while I stimulate my clitoris and external parts of the vulva. What my body craves most deeply from Sex, what moments my vagina and brain cling to, what I desperately want to ask for, what brings me to orgasm when it happens even briefly or by chance is for no thrusting, no ins and outs, just deeply, comfortably, firmly, holding a penis inside me. And I am not alone with these desires. I like the feel of the man holding me with the strength and intensity that only a man can, and his penis is an extension of that inside me. It is an embrace. And it gives me time for my vagina to enjoy the feeling of the penis. The walls of my cave cling to the hardness, I can clench and release my muscles to stimulate myself and give sensation to the dick inside. When the penis is pumping back and forth, in and out, over and over again, I never get to feel it, to hold it, to embrace it. The only reason for pumping the penis is to make it cum. But we are not searching for orgasms that way here. I want to truly, deeply, lovingly, joyfully, experience the feel of a beautiful, hard, soft skinned, warm, strong, masculine,hot, penis inside me. I want my vagina to enjoy engulfing the cock. I want to learn how to use my muscles in this scenario to massage the penis, create an internal wave in my vagina walls to milk the penis. It is the woman’s nature to hold, nurture and grow things, so let our vaginas hold, embrace and nurture your penis. It is a part of the body so complex, that new humans emerge from it. It is a magical space that only a woman can feel its true power. Let us share that power. Let us show you how powerful and loving that space within us is. Give us time and space to learn the power and ways we can develop this embrace around the penis. It is a new, undeveloped skill that, if given a change, might unleash a whole new world of possibilities for our pussies and your penis.
Pulling back from the internals, we see that this intense and intimate embrace of the penis in the vagina enables the entrance of the vagina to be in contact with the body of our partner. Through earlier exploration you have learnt what parts of you here feel good to be touched and with what kind of touch the most pleasure is gained. It is the utmost rarity to find a woman who orgasms from a penis sliding in and out of her vaginal canal with no other stimulation. But by letting the man control the sex dynamic, we are all left to this chance. Yes in certain positions the clitoris, or any of external needs can be stimulated, you can get fucked in positions you like, but as the male body is moving away and back into you, the pressure and location of this stimulation varies and again you are left to chance that this happens to continue long enough and in the right way for an orgasm to be achieved. Again this may be personal to my vagine but when a penis is pumping in and out of me it can actually hurt unless i have external stimulation. Or if it is going at a particularly brisk pace, I can’t even feel it inside me at all. I have to rub my own clitoris to enable my vagina to feel anything good and often enough to not feel pain from the stabbing of my vaginal canal with a dick, at his own pace. I will say it again. I have to stimulate the external parts of my own vagina in order to stop the pain I feel from the dick pumping at my vagina. This doesn’t feel natural, we weren’t designed to suffer for sex. Luckily, or unfortunately, these two together create pleasure, so the man assumes I enjoy the feeling of his dick, when in fact, without my own hand, i would be in pain. I do not have anything wrong with my vagine and this isn’t a pain that is universally present, but the fact that it is ever-present at all is not ok. As I mentioned before, telling a man what feels good and what hurts often does not stop these things occurring. So back to the penis embrace. With a deep and close embrace, all the externals of the woman come into contact with the man. your partner. the person from whom you want to receive pleasure. My first ever orgasm with a man came from grinding on his leg while kissing. Not by his hands, not from the way he moved me, moved against me or anything he did. It was a very still moment. We were kissing deeply, embraced, his thigh between mine. Not pressing up, he wasn’t trying to stimulate me with his leg as so many men do to me now, forcing me onto it with pressure and control. He didn’t even know it was deeply pleasurable for me because the pressure was so light, the grinding barely perceivable. But it was the subtlety, the calm, him not trying to “pleasure” me and the erotic nature of our embrace that cause me to be relaxed and my vagina to be relaxed enough for me to be able to cum with someone else. While deep in the penis embrace, the same is possible. The positions that you assume should be ones where the woman is touching all the parts that she likes against her man. The movements made should be ones the woman decides upon. As no thrusting is needed in this state, the man does not need to lead, he does not need to move the penis, so his body does not need to withdraw from contact with the woman. If he so desires he can move his top half out of contact so he can freely use other parts of himself to stroke, caress, kiss the woman, involved the breasts, or move apart in order to make eye contact and share mutual breath. But let the woman maintain the embrace and contact in the genitalia. Let her move how she needs. Let her learn how to squeeze your penis, how to stroke it without breaking contact. There will be infinite ways to do this when we are given the freedom to explore the penis embrace and some does involved sliding up and down on the penis. The more the woman can learn calmly, at her own pace what feels good for the vagina, the more she can learn ways to stimulate the penis at the same time. This isn’t selfish love-making, it is just sex at a different pace, it is woman centric and a search for pleasure in a new way. I’m not saying we can’t enjoy traditional Sex still. Some women do like to be pumped at, they like the friction, speed and intensity of a man taking control, I do sometimes, but that is a different type of sex, traditional sex. New Sex is about letting the woman find that pace and intensity herself. Another kind of sex for when you don’t want to be taken and ravaged. This also isn’t the same as a woman on top in normal sex kind of ethos. This isn’t about “letting” a woman “take control”. We don’t need your hands to force our bodies up and down on your dick or for you to contribute from below. Like I said, parts of this, i can’t even comprehend, I can offer only little insight into how other women can develop this to suit their vaginas needs. But let’s call the approach “find what feels good”. Because with the pace and different mentality that will come from this union, a woman with any bodily needs will be able to explore how best to get them for herself. For example the entrance to my vaginal canal is extraordinarily sensitive. I like the depth of penetration where im stretched around the largest part of the penis to stimulate that entrance, but I also like teasing the first inch or so of myself with a penis. I hate that after a couple of tickles or however long until he decides, it has to be slid all the way in. I wasn’t ready. The tickling was enough. But because it wasn’t enough for the man it had to end and pumping has to begin. I am so far from ok with this dynamic. This is all sex. This is all men. We get a little of what we like and need, till the pumping again takes priority. Let me tickle myself with the head of your cock till i am desperate to feel the full nature of the man inside me. Till I am ready to and wanting to be filled up again. Let me decide when that moment is. Not him.
Despite my calling for what seems to be female controlled sex, I am not. New sex is however woman centric, in the same way traditional Sex is penis centric. The Sex develops at the woman’s pace. Not the penis pace. I still will want the man to use his body for my pleasure too. But that is the point, I want to feel pleasure from the sex, not pounding. I don’t want to feel like I’m on the receiving end of penis driven Sex, of a man doing what feels good for him and him blindly, uninformedly thinking it feels good for me too cause this is how people have sex and he has built up “skills”. Once the woman has been able to show the man how the penis fits inside her, the intensity of embrace, the speed of the friction and the depth of her canal, then and only then, can a man use his penis to pleasure the woman. Learn from her movements and try to help her reach even greater levels of pleasure through developing on what she has shown you. If she was grinding on you in a certain way, grind on her in the same way. If she is enjoying the way your move or your closeness, don’t switch it up when you want to, check to see if she wants to continue. We don’t need endless position, speed, angle and depth changes when something truly feels good. Don’t Stop. I don’t want to be in control of the sexual act the whole time, i don’t want to just be on top or grinding away at a dead fish. i want the man to learn what feels good for me with no judgement or preconceived notion of what is “good in bed”, and give me that. Lazy, boring, slow, intimate, aren’t bad characteristics if this is what gives you the most pleasure. A penis is very easy to stimulate, it isn’t complicated to understand how to get a man to orgasm. We know the easiest, quick way to the end of the pleasure. But I want to elongate the pleasure, sensualise and give more sensation to the penis, not in order to procure an orgasm, but to purely and simply enjoy the leisurely pleasure of sensation with no destination. At no point during this kind of sex, does a man need to “rail”, pump, pound or destroy, the vagina. If he is able to let this gentle pleasure grow inside him and his penis in the way women do, then he will be able to achieve orgasm without hurting or disrespecting his partner and her needs. If a man cannot achieve an orgasm through a slower more sensual process then he is just not practiced at this. The only way he has ever know to cum is through punishing his dick with rough, harsh, hard, frantic tugging. He has to relearn his body. He has to be as of accepting of pleasure as enough, as a woman is in traditional sex. We might or might not cum as our orgasm is only occurring by chance that the male is doing something that is briefly right for us so we enjoy the pleasure of the act. If the man doesn’t cum both the woman and man have failed. But if the woman doesnt cum, well, it’s no big deal, its normal, she is hard to make cum, she has never cum before, at least she got a good pounding and that must have felt good enough right? wrong. Maybe men will have to go through this with this new pace for sex. They will have to learn their bodies in order to be able to orgasm through this kind of sex, as women have learnt to orgasm through the rough brutal attacks on our vaginas we currently experience. I didn’t used to be able to cum from sex. And I had to teach myself how to control my body as it was being used, grab moments where it actually feels good, bring vibrators to strangers houses, in order to force myself to orgasm through traditional sex. My orgasms didn’t become more frequent because the sex got better or i enjoyed the pumping over time. It was because I taught myself it was my responsibility to make myself cum during sex, because the man could so rarely achieve it himself, because most of what happens in that sex truly works for me. I had to force myself to make it work for me cause the fundamental nature of sex would not ever be changing. And only recently have I began to see that there is an alternative. This is the alternative. With the right kind of stimulation and relaxation, once a woman starts cumming she can keep cumming over and over again. Once these orgasms start, what the vagina wants and needs changes. When the orgasm takes over, let the woman again take control, let her use your penis as a tool to deepen and elongate these orgasms. I personally do like a bit of friction and pumping after the crest of the orgasm wave has crashed, not for long, but the intensity of the orgasm can be matched with an intensity of the stimulation to increase my pleasure. But again it has to die down as the woman calms again allowing for another orgasm wave to rise or to steady back into another spell of pleasure and enjoyment. Ideally the visual, audio, mental and physical stimulation of your womans orgasm helps bring the man closer to orgasm also. Letting the waves of the woman’s pleasure take you higher and higher, closer and closer, building slowly, and not letting urgency or impatience take over to the point where you have to pin the woman down and pump away to finish your climb to orgasm. Let it keep building, maybe it will fall away briefly, but it will come back. Without pumping away, without control, without urgency, your orgasm can build like the woman’s, so when it does finally cum (pun) it’s a whole body, mind orgasm, not just an ejaculation.
I don’t want to get too detailed on how to have sex like this. This is not the point. It is the feeling, the idea, the atmosphere, that i am trying to convey, then each individual can use it in his or her own way. So this build to orgasm, the enjoyment of just feeling each others parts blended together can be of any duration, as long as the orgasm is not chased, no one is trying to achieve it, pursuing it, capturing it, conquering it. It just arises from the intense pleasure both of your bodies and minds achieve.
Once the orgasms have subsided and you are both fully satisfied, breathe. Lie together and breathe. recover your breath, place your hands back on each other, hold each other, caress, stroke, soothe. Lie together until, like at the end of a meditation, your awareness returns slowly to the present, to the room, to your mind. You can physically start moving away from each other, separating the large parts of skin that are still touching, but maintain contact with the hands on the bodies as the energy is still flowing. Make eye contact and communicate that the sex and entwinement is ending. And when you are both ready, you can separate. You may still want to lie in bed and stroke and talk, sit together and watch TV, you may need to get up and go to work, do errands, maybe you’re just hungry, or ready to sleep, whatever it is, now is when the real world returns and you can carry on with your day, seperate from the intensity and intimacy you were just open to.
Men and women are polar opposites. In today’s society equality is fought for more than our right to be different and have those differences embraced and respected. If, as I believe, we are opposites, different entities to be respected, heard and fulfilled equally in a way that is right for the difference, not with some unifying sameness, then it is only fair to have a polarity to the kind of sex that is currently accepted as the normal and only way. We have patriarchal sex down. All the current known strands of sexuality all stem from this same patriarchal attitude towards sex, even things like femdom and cuckold kinks. I desperately need an alternative to this. For me personally. I can’t carry on like this. I can’t keep sacrificing my body to men. I cant keep leaving my experienced, skilled, talented, wise, developed body in the hands of someone who doesn’t know it, understand it or even know how to get the best out of it. I am the only person that knows that. I need space to have sex in a way that benefits me and helps grown my sexuality and pleasure. On the journey to better sex I sleep with men who claim to love the female body, love eating pussy, love giving pleasure, who talk about all the ways they will give me pleasure…..until we are naked. 10-20 mins of them “indulging” in the thing they say they love the most and want to do for me….its over. The penis is inside me again and I am subjected to pounding, mining, destroying as I try to angle my body in ways I know will feel better and give myself the space to touch my clitoris and use a vibrator to make me cum. I have been engaging in pegging, strap on sex where I am supposed to be the one wielding the penis for my pleasure, but yet again it is the man who controls what happens, for how long, in what positions, all for his pleasure. I am merely a tool for his satisfaction, again. Some people may think that it is because i am not making love to the same partner that the sex isn’t deep and mutually caring. But I have been in love and had the same sex over and over with my lover and life partner and during that I was still at his mercy. It doesn’t matter what kind of sex we are currently having, the fetishes or kinks we indulge in, the deep down core element to any of that, that includes the man pumping his tool in and out of our most sensitive delicate place with whatever fervor they want, and subject us to a demonstration of their previously gained experience with vaginas and what they think a woman will like, even if they are doing it in a way they think is giving the most and more pleasure to the woman, means it is traditional Sex, Patriarchal Sex. We, women, are the only people to truly know our own bodies and what they need, how the inside of our vagina feels and the mental and physical intensity of letting another person invade that deeply sacred space. Maybe there is something we have been missing by letting our pleasure be controlled by men who can’t even comprehend the needs and capabilities of our vaginas, sensuality and orgasms. Maybe it’s time we start paying attention and listening to that, learning about it and sharing what we learn with men. Then maybe, just maybe, we might start to understand the possibilities of sex.
I am no longer satisfied by having sex, sexuality and sex work discussed, researched and written about by men, or women with no experience doing sex work, with only limited sexual experience of their own, with bias, with limits, operating within the constraints of what currently exists, or highlighting problems that never get solved or truly addressed. I think its time for people with the relevant experience, knowledge and insight into anything to do with sex to speak up. We won’t ever get anywhere if we keep relying on inexperienced people sharing their thoughts on things of which they have only limited personal experience.
I am a woman who has taken part in all aspects of sex work for 8 years, who studied and wrote her dissertation on female sexuality in the 21st century at University of London, who has had nearly 400 partners, been in love at least 8 times, has been married, and divorced, has had 500+ professional sexual experiences, and 8 years of webcam work interacting with and giving orgams to hundreds of thousands of men will all kinds of kinks, interests, penises, sexuality and personality. If my experience was in any other field I would be able to proudly claim my expertise. If sex and sexual women weren’t still so suppressed, then people with actual experience would be the ones writing about it. I could proudly share my experience and knowledge without fear of anyone saying I’m less human, less intelligent, less worthy, because of it. I would be respected for the depth of my knowledge, time dedicated to and insight into the topic. So that is why I am going to share everything I know. Because living a sexual life is very different to looking at it from the outside and theorizing about it. I am no longer an idea or theory. I am a real woman who has lived a richly sexual life and wants to progress sexual understanding based of my extensive and valuable personal experience.
Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still.
I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today.
The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The more i try and find my place and people, the less i can imagine ever having it. The more i hear about what other people think about the world and how other people should and shouldnt be in it, the more trapped I feel and the less i feel like i can survive another day and it all but wipes out my ability to picture, plan or even imagine my future.
I stopped posting on social media and reading feeds every day approximately 3-4 months ago now. And I feel so much better. Right here, right now, in the real world, i am ok. when i had a whole other identity…and in fact i had two and up to four versions of me at any one time…living online, I had to worry about how that person was being perceived, what she was saying, who was contacting her, what for, what do you want, has she pissed someone off, was she too real, too fat, too sexy, not sexy enough, too honest, too angry, was she making money, what do all the faceless, nameless observers to her life, think of her. It is too much. Its too much for me to worry about, to care about. What did i get from putting myself out there and living online through social media? Its had a barely comment able affect on my income professionally, even though people are told its an essential marketing tool. i havent got hundreds of friends who would come to my side if i needed help. i havent stayed in touch with all the people i met travelling. i am up to date with peoples lives that have no baring on my day to day life, and neither i do have a spot in theirs. The few good connections i do have on social media, unfortunately does not balance out the emotion and time ive put into social media. Me being on social media is not a mutually beneficial arrangement and i do not benefit from massive companies making billions more profit from all of our freely uploaded content. And i have had enough.
i used to love social media. i defended it and my over use of it to the death. i proclaimed its many benefits. but when i was assessing my life and figuring out what i needed to do in order to make myself happier, i fell back on the quote “how can you expect a different outcome when you keep doing the same things”. after working online for the last 7 years and being pretty much addicted to the internet for 20 years, i realised this is what i needed to do differently. It was the only constant i was maintaining in my life, the curated social media pages, and the internets potential to make me money. I had to stop. i deleted the apps off my phone and i accepted the internet was not able to provide me with any income in the near future. I stopped posting. I stopped reading feeds, i stopped scrolling. And it worked. Without those other entities, representations of me, other lives online, the anxiety, stress, anger, frustration, pain and comparisons stopped. I still go on my pages when im on a browser, but i keep my intake of information as brief and functionary as possible. On the days i havent, i have let myself go down that rabbit hole, and all those feelings re surface. I now have personal knowledge on the detrimental effect of social media on my every day life and mental health and how much better my life is without it. At least when i fall back into the rabbit hole i can see how ridiculous the whole set up and “information” is anyway. And im not missing anything.
I think im at the same point with sex and especially dating apps. I cant find what i want, who i want to do it with or anyone who even understands my sexuality. I spend a disproportionately large amount of time looking for sex compared to how much sex it gets me. the choice overwhelms me, the messaging stresses me out and the vast majority of conversations dont go anywhere, they are people i just dont get on with and can even escalate into a very negative exchange. without dating apps, this wouldnt exist. the constant thinking about who might be near that is worth sleeping with. the thinking of what to say in your messages, the games, the bullshit, the tiptoeing around the issue. I just want good, kinky sex and Tinder and Bumble do not get me that. it is not a mutually beneficial relationship. I fundamentally disagree with the way most people see life and the human condition, so why force myself to interact with tens of people a day i dont need to. why get more and more frustrated that yet another seemingly interesting guy is just another person i dont like? why do i want to get frequently dissappointed about how bland most peoples sexual interests are? the more people i encounter people i dont like and the more people i speak to with “normal” interests, the more i feel like an outsider, isolated, frustrated and angry. For what? to find the occasional person i meet who actually has a interesting personality and sexual interests? The numbers dont add up. There are places for people with a richer, kinkier, sex life on the internet and i can use those from now on, when i want to find sex. not, like the dating apps, being constantly online, nearby, available, contactable, 24/7, the possibility that at any point i might find the unicorn ive been looking for being just swipes away. Its too much of a constant demand on my brain. And it doesnt need to be. When i looked back on my stats with dating apps the trends are very interesting in how my behavior has changed. I was having the most frequent sex with various partners when I was partying a lot, travelling australia, sober, meeting people in the real world, a lot. And most of my great memories and good sex have been with people ive met in real life who i would have swiped left on in any dating app anyway. I think i might actually keep my profiles and change my bios. Put what i specifically want and links to my work project and my blog or sky stuff. fuck it. use it. dont let it use me. people who really want to interact with me in real life can email me from there.
Now ive got all that out i can inform you i have indeed finally had sex. the most average, normal, slightly painful for me, smile and enjoy it, sex. of course he was gorgeous. he had to have had some kind of selling point for me! he was the hottest one in my tinder roll for the area, muscly, tanned, confident, sexy, very republican, ex military, southern gentleman. we got on good considering the differences. and his body and penis were a solid 10, literally, wink wink. but damn, he did not know how to use it. i did get to suck his dick for a bit and thoroughly enjoyed myself. when it comes to sex, there is a difference between when a man is doing what feels good to him and what feels good together. this sex was the former. i was so consumed with worry about how he was using this massive cock i had no concept of me enjoying it. however it was sexy and i was thoroughly complicit in letting him fuck how he wanted to. there was several occurrences of sex in the night time and the morning. and i think there was at least one vibrator assisted orgasm. there might have been more, or they might have been that, is it a orgasm or is it just pain or is it just a lot going on, but i also might have played up the amount of pleasure i got to him. he was just so cute. he got us a hotel room, so that was fun and nice. his skin was so smooth and his ass was amazing. i spent a good hour just stroking and fondling his butt while we were there. but he wouldnt let me anywhere except the cheeks as he said “im straight”. boo. he was really nice to be around. had lots of energy, had a interesting life, i was into how he was hot, worked out, had a good job, nice truck, family money, travels a lot, etc. the do it all gentleman. even though i dont want to do anything, its still very attractive and admirable. how is there time in the day to be that much everything! i guess ultimately he wasnt good at everything! this was Wednesday night, i was supposed to go to the sex club but i opted for him instead. he left for a bit of work then thanksgiving lunch on the thursday morning at like 9am. They were still serving breakfast in the hotel so i had a nice free breakfast and then went back to the room for a much needed shower. i even blow dried and curled my hair…but i still didnt wash it, 5 months strong! so i scratched the itch, but again didnt get what i was looking for.
and now after my no dating apps rant, ive got a message from someone who might actually be good! damnit.
still havent been to the sex club. still intending to go tonight.
Day 10 on the sex drought. The last guy i rejected has cursed me. The failed date I drove to pick up and then just didnt like. I had such high hopes. And such blue balls. And I havent had a release since. Well Ive cum alot. Just only by my own hand. And that isnt what i need. I need some weird, kinky, extreme, exciting sex. I now have over 200-250 emails. And a offer from the cutest boy on my Tinder. But its STILL not happening. So I guess it is me now. Am I being picky? Ive emailed with a few of them, but nothing has progressed. When it works, it just works, with all the people i meet. Craigslist isnt helping me either. It cock blocked my last two posts about the specific kinks i want to explore right now. More specifically, soomeone now keeps flagging my posts and they keep getting removed, because apparently i cant be real, must be a scam or are violating their conditions by being really horny and wanting to get laid in a interesting and specific way. The upshot is, I still havent gotten laid. There is alot of comments I could make and conclusions i can draw from the kind of emails i have recieved over the past 48 hours, but i havent learnt anything I didnt already know. I am going to start compiling my thougths on things outside of my own life, like this, into essays. Just so i do it. Keep them for myself. i have started a list of topics i already have ideas for.
Ok I have just solved my own sexual frustration problem. Im going to a sex club in San Fran tonight. Alone. Fuck it. I need to be around this stuff.
And i already have changed my mind. Thank you again google and yelp for reviews! There is such a massive gap for a space where people can openly share their sexual desires and connect and act them out. Like one of those kids play warehouses things, but for adults, and not gross. Maybe I will just go. Its only $10. If i go at like midnight there should be people there. I’ll see how I feel. And I can check it out. But then I am in San Fran. But then I am in San Fran! Find a parking spot for the holiday weekend? Good sex? More people not less though.
I had a bath in the bus last night. I boiled some water and just used the sink. I exfoliated my whole body and used soap! it was a revelation. 5 months in and i have never had a hot sponge bath in the bus! Some ideas come to me too easily, some, im a little slow!
I had a hilarious walk yesterday. I was deep in thought about my sexual freedom and all the positives of being a strong, sexual woman, how excited i was to be incorporating that into my life again, when a lean, grey haired man in his 50s, came towards me on a road bike, in full gear, at speed. As he drove past he broke my reverie by calling out “ohh look at that. what a hottie. phew” with a sharp intake of breath. After the shock, the realization of the juxtaposition of the thoughts i was having and the experience my body was having in the world at the same time hit me…and i nearly died laughing. It came out of nowhere. He seemed so professional and was definitely of comfortable means. And he sounded so old fashioned. Then a few minutes later a man in his 60s called after me that i had very “psychedelic” pants on. Drawing my attention to the fact that he was watching me and my legs from behind while i walked away. These kind of daily interactions rub up against my belief of being able to be a liberated, sexual woman. It stops me dressing how i want, saying what i want and even walking with the gait i would like. But it will not stop me wanting to be able to use my body how i choose without judgment or unwanted attention.
i often stop writing half way through what i was saying. I get bored of the story so I dont push it. yesterday my obsession with sex took over. i spent the whole day looking up people online, messaging a couple of people on t/b (gonna have to abbreviate that shit or come up with a universal name for them that isnt “dating apps” maybe DAs). I even ventured on to craigslists casual encounters section. I expected it to be filled with adverts for massage and escorts, but instead there were mostly just posts from people looking for certain sexual experiences, right now. the more i read, the more i was thinking it might work for me if i posted what i wanted. my frustration was building so much that by about 5pm i posted my first ad on craigslist. 19 hours later i have nearly 150 replies and I’m slightly overwhelmed, still incredibly frustrated and I still havent gotten any sex.
Very laid back and experienced Brit looking for experienced, kinky men – w4mm
Dominant, experienced, very open, non judgmental woman looking for a man/men/bi men to help me shake off some pent up sexual energy.
I’m currently particularly interested in:
MMF; Bi MMF; Cuckold; Alpha in the street, sub in the sheets!; Rimming; Pegging; Cum eaters; Taboo roleplays; Gangbangs; DP.
I am looking to play this week. If you’ve read this far and think you, or you and all your friends, might be up to the task, please email with the subject “I want” and include in your message what you want to get up to, your experience, a dick pic and a face pic.
I will need you to be able to host.
I think the problem is figuring out who i get turned on by, from just pictures. Someone needs to have a very attractive face for me to want to meet them off the internet. I think I need a new way to asses my interest. Because there are over 100 men in the area who want to have interesting and kinky sex with me and I cant figure out who I’m even attracted to. I also want to re frame how i weigh up sex, attractiveness, kinks and what turns me on. If i expand my potential pool of mates by lowering attractiveness down from number one in my priorities, I may actually get more satisfying sex. What if i want a slave. Some one to cook for me, bathe me, massage me and please me how i want and be my toy to use and treat how i want for the evening. His looks no longer need be a priority. His willingness to serve and his skills and tool he has for serving me becomes the priority.
From the responses to my ad, I can tell the majority of the men are identifying as dominant and will be conceding to let a woman take control so they can experience something exciting with someone they want to fuck any way. I think it is time for me to experience a truly submissive man.
Ok now with that re-framed in my mind there are too many men I can meet. I think I should do 5 minute speed date calls to see if we click. Saves messages. And if we do we can meet right away.
Yes. This is me currently planning how to be able to get more sex. Weirder sex. I want an exchange of sexual kinks and games and events to be another strand of society and culture to be fully and openly explored, talked about and shared. But like all my ideas of how the world should be, it is a conceptual fantasy not a plausible reality or an alternative solution.
Im in the launderette right now. Wanna get taken to the bathroom and fucked on the sink. I dont know why i am overflowing with sexuality right now. this week. this month. but i love it. i am at my happiest when my sexuality is in full bloom. when i want all the men and all the penis. it is my energy resource! gonna get my laundry out and think about penis more. i better have more to write about later!